Films: the food of the soul.

Have you ever read a review or blurb for some pretentious piece of twattle - most probably involving local theatre - that tried to compare its greatness to food? “A delightful truffle of a night”, or “the delectable talents of [insert some hack]”. Frankly it’s lame. And yes I did the very same thing a few posts ago saying Ridley Scott served up tasty dishes of food for us with Body of Lies, but I was being funny, I swear! But in the spirit of conforming to the masses, here’s my attempt at food/film metaphors served up to you dear reader in one scrumptious post.

How many adjectives for “nice to eat” are there? Let’s find out!

THE FEAST:

Watching a film is a lot like digesting a meal. Some movies like Heat and The Godfather are full-bodied, tasty and altogether satisfying. It’s like walking into an all-you-can eat buffet when you only paid half-price. There’s a dish of romance, another of intrigue, and a main course of meaty character development to fill our tummies with happiness. But remember, these films are not meant to be gorged quickly. We sit down, perhaps with our friends, and enjoy an intense conversation about politics, religion, even the Meaning Of Life.

This is a long meal. Casino goes for three hours, but I don’t ever feel bored. Any time my mind decides to wander, I simply head on back to the buffet table and grab another serving of Joe Pesci pasta, and maybe I’ll wash that down with a Sharon Stone cocktail. Delicious.

The best meal in the world.

Please keep in mind, however, that sometimes at a buffet we cannot resist the urge to eat too much. With so many options our mind simply goes insane with desires. Should we eat the chocolate mousse for desert, or just leave it alone so we don’t have to sit on the toilet for an hour post-meal? This is called the Heaven’s Gate meal, or the Dances With Wolves extended four-hour-cut dinner. Hell, I’d chuck James Cameron’s Titanic in there with it.

The solution to this dilemma? After having fed your faces with the main meal/s, go outside, have a smoke, walk around, take a break, and come back to the dessert to finish it off. This is otherwise known as an intermission. I mean, has anyone ever actually watched Once Upon a Time in America in one sitting?



THE JUNK FOOD:

Life is hectic. We don’t usually have all the time in the world to enjoy buffets every day and night. Most weeks we’re in a rush to get to our next appointment and just need a quick bite to eat to fill us up. So here we come to the junk food alternatives: the burgers, the fries, the shakes of filmmaking. Movies like Billy Madison, The Notebook, and Speed are junk food dollops of grease and fat that we’ll shit out after 10 minutes but will return to time and time again when we’re feeling a little naughty. They don’t satisfy us in the long-term, but in that moment we’re a happy little bee digging into our Beverly Hills Chihuahua Happy Meal.

Here are some cooks that are consistently delivering us such scrumptious new junk food dinners:
- Brett Ratner
- Ashton Kutcher
- Jackie Chan
- Sandra Bullock
- The Rock
- Drew Barrymore
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Please note the absence of Kate Hudson, to whom we shall return to later.

THE JUNK FOOD MEAL DISGUISED AS GOURMET:

Sometimes the junk food stores get tired of being shitted on all the time. I mean, it hurts their feelings when they hear pretentious twats walk past uttering insults like "oh, I'd never eat that", or "I need a real meal, not that plastic nonsense!"

Soooo to quench the junk food store's thirst for credibility, it begins to offer up a new variety of dishes with a few fancier ingredients and more flashier packaging, and puts a sign up saying "Freshly Made" or "$10.99". Adam Sandler loves doing this, a recent example being Reign Over Me. And I'll be honest, I enjoyed the temporary change of direction. Punch Drunk Love also was an interesting addition to his menu. Another good example is Will Ferrell in Stranger Than Fiction.

Some others actors, however, are absolutely shocking when it comes to serving up gourmet meals in a fast food joint. Please see exhibit A: Nicole Kidman. "Shock! Horror!" you say. Sure, she had a few mature, palatable critical hits like The Hours. But did ANYONE watch Birth? Or The Interpreter? What about The Human Stain? Nope, me neither. And don't try and tell me Cold Mountain was good, because you'd be lying to yourself buddy...

The fact is Nicole actually closed up her junk food store a while back and all she serves now are Caesar Salads and Chicken Wraps made with moldy fetta cheese and rotten tomatoes.




THE GOURMET DISH SPIKED WITH POISON:

This is laced with arcenic.

These films usually get released around Oscar time and promise exciting new flavours and ingredients. The best newspaper critics in town often recommend them and expectations are astronomically high, but once you come to sit down to eat these meals, something hits us: not only have we eaten this before, but it's tiny, unfulfilling and ridiculously overpriced.

We've been had.

These films piss me off. How dare they claim to be meaningful works of art when all I want to do after watching them is stab myself with a pen knife? Films like Babel, pretty much anything served up by Lars Von Trier, Shortbus, most dishes containing Madonna, and Irreversible look on the outside like fancy dishes but are in reality secretly spiked with poison and we’ll need a shot up the ass that night just to recover from the foul taste they left in our mouths.

I must return to Nicole again, because I cannot escape the feeling that she is incapable of not making these films (apart from her junk food shit like Bewitched). The Others was a completely overrated ripoff of The Sixth Sense. The Hours was mainstream feminist crap, and feminist films can rock don't get me wrong (I love Buffy, and hell, I didn't even mind In the Cut).

No, The Stepford Wives was not a good movie.

And I hate to say this because Richard Kelly obviously has talent, but his Donnie Darko follow-up Southland Tales reeked of pretentiousness. After it was over I felt like he'd stuffed me with hot air and pushed me outside the restaurant with my tummy still grumbling.



THE HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE:

This is essentially a gourmet dish that actually tastes nice, fulfills your appetite, AND is good for you. Examples are 21 Grams (from the same director whom later poisoned us with Babel), Brokeback Mountain, There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men. Not exactly feasts, a Healthy Alternative is instead an all-natural meal with the fat shaved off.

These films don't always have that sugary sweet addictive quality, but their long-term effects are extraordinary. We don't walk away with a bloated belly or indigestion, and scientists have proven that they actually improve your health. On the nutrition pyramid these are right at the top, so please ensure you digest the necessary amount for a healthy lifestyle.

...END OF MENU....

And that concludes our menu for this evening. Please, ladies and gentlemen, choose wisely in the future and think about your general well-being or you may be left with a bout of food poisoning following gorging on your unwisely selected dish of Saw V or The Matrix Revolutions. And remember: you're allowed a treat every now and again, so don't feel too bad that you actually enjoyed Little Nicky. I did too.

Oh wait, silly me, I forgot the bottom of the food chain.

THE BILE: