Remakes: let the horror end!!!

It wasn’t always so ghastly. The Fly was a remake. So was Scarface. Both those films took their respective originals and rejigged them for a modern-day audience whilst adding their own inique subtext and directorial vision. In doing so, the intelligent folks making the films realised that this meant not regurgitating the same shit over and over again.

So what the FUCK is wrong with those bastards making the remakes now? One or two a year is fine. I enjoyed the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, despite Margaret Pomeranz proclaiming it the worst film she has ever seen. Perhaps it was because I was not used to the concept of remakes, perhaps it was because the filmmakers themselves weren’t used to the concept of remakes.

Whatever the case, things have changed.

This is a terrible film. Never watch it. Do not take this as a dare.

Halloween (2007) was one of the worst films I have ever seen. Not only was it boring, repulsive, poorly shot and acted (Malcolm McDowell bow your head in shame), but also it had simply no reason for existing. And that is the thing - there has to be a REASON to remake a bloody film.

Here are some, for better or worse:

1) The times have changed

Jonathon Demme’s The Manchurian Candidate took the political suspense thriller as the backbone and crafted a modern-day film set during the Iraq War. The template was there, but the characters were fresh and insights satisfying. When does this theory not apply? Most horror film remakes. All that’s changed for those pieces of shit is their reliance on blood and guts.

Good remake.

2) It is a remake of a really old film that no one remembers

Before Jonathon Demme made The Manchurian Candidate there was The Truth About Charlie with Mark Whalberg. It was a remake of Charade, which no one my age has seen. The film was terriblke, obviously aping the original while utilising pretentious French New Wave stylistics that ultimately frustrated then bored me to death. The film was lame. Maybe I should blame Mark Whalberg (see previous post regarding inconsistent actors).

Tim Burton remade Planet of the Apes. It is his worst, most un-realized film. Why? Because its screenwriters took no time to consider the ramifications of a mordern-day interpretation of the story. The ending was surprising, but it made no sense and informed us of nothing. It was shocking for the sake of being shocking. I hate to bring this up, but perhaps I should be blaming Mark Whalberg again. What the fuck is with that guy? Next he'll be remaking his own shit films.

Lame remake.

Why not remake Casablanca while we're at it? With George Clooney and Cate Blanchett. Oh no, they made that, it was called The Good German. But whilst it derived elements and essentially stole/ copied its style, Soderbergh's film was aware of its technique and merely used it to craft a new tale from the template. It was okay.

3) It is a remake of a foreign film

Some would say that if it was made in another language that was reason enough. Fair call, but simply translating a film from one country to another does not make a good film. One has to TRANSLATE the film, which means changing its meaning and execution to fit the requirements and suitability of a westerner audience. All that most foreign remakes do is take the central premise and copy it in their film.

The Departed was a remake. It was entirely different to the original. Why? Because the original was set in another continent. They had to be different. In a way William Moynahan simply used the premise and crafted his own cops and criminals saga from the template. It won the Best Picture Oscar.

Awesome remake.

4) Studios have run out of ideas and want an established audience

This is pathetic. Those film exectutives just have no clue! NONE! They assume that if a film was popular 20 years ago, it's bound to work again. Sometimes the original filmmakers support the remake, like Wes Craven in The Hills Have Eyes. Craven in fact wrote the sequel to the remake. Did anyone see it? I saw half of it, but couldn't finish it. Maybe Craven's previous bomb Cursed really was Cursed.

Please penguin, go forth and kill remakes.

Remakes exist because the Hollywood establishment is scared, dumb, and just plain unwilling to try anything new. Sometimes they work and deep down I wish they didn't, because it encourages the bad ones to keep getting made. Even worse, sometimes people go out in flocks to see these films. Why do you like these films, people? The securtity of knowing you are about to watch a really lame predictable film? Take a chance on something new and original.