Why the Dark Horse wins the race

The Dark Horse doesn't scream for attention. They chip away slowly at life until finally they have built their castle. Whilst most of humanity has been lying on their ass talking shit, the Dark Horse has been creeping up from behind to win the race.

People respect Dark Horses, but only after-the-fact. Before they officially become a Dark Horse they are Nobodies, and NOBODY will notice them.

That is fine.

They are the the Dark Horse and don't do it for the immediate recognition. They look to the future but enjoy the journey - [wo]men for the moment who always maintain a keen eye on the finish line.

The Dark Horse is stupendously beautiful, but most people cannot see this straight away. You have to look twice, a third, a FOURTH time, and only then will you see something of tangible substance and value. Not only that, but the Dark Horses have long-term sustainability. Through living in the shadows they have acquired unseen but vital skills that make them utterly irresistible to us mere mortals. You can stare into their eyes every day for the REST OF YOUR LIFE and always see something new, unique and surprising.

The Dark Horse is the greatest living specimen, and will never be forgotten. They are the winners, and not just because of who they are, but what they did to earn it.

One more thing: you'll never see them coming, but that's okay with them.

They never saw you either.

Who would play Barack Obama in a movie?

Denzel. Too obvious?

Don Cheadle. This one has indie cred.

Terence Howard. Would charge too much.

Samuel L. Jackson? Probably too old.

[Insert all other 3 top-tier black actors].

A reminder

Tom Cruise rocks.

We must all not forget this.

Further information coming soon.

Joaquin Phoenix to quit acting. WTF?????

This dude is apparently is going around saying that he's quitting acting. Why Joaquin? I mean, why?

Just use the old "taking a break" bullshit. We all know you'll be back when your music career crashes and burns and you're unzipping James Gray's pants to be in his next movie.

Listen, Joaquin: I have some hefty man-love for you, I really do. You kicked ass in Gladiator, Walk the Line and even We Own the Night. You're a Man with a capital M. You're obviously a pretentious twat in real life, but I don't care, you're a cool actor and I respect that.

I'm not saying this because I'm gonna miss you, Joaquin. I know I won't, because you WILL be back. It's just a fact. So don't lie to us, cause when you come crawling back you'll look like a douche.

BREAKING NEWS: Someone Actually Likes The Psycho Remake

I joke not. In a bizarre coincidence of timing (momentarily neglecting the fact that it was Halloween 3 days ago) Cinematical has released an article defending Gus Van Sant's Psycho remake. The dude calls it "a great experiemental film" and "fascinating".

I'm all for freedom of expression, but this is my blog so here's my freedom of expression:

Whatever. Just plain WHATEVER. Not even Van Sant's mother would be saying this. The remake of Psycho was a collossal waste of millions of dollars. If you're going to experiment, at least do so on a small-scale budget like David Lynch did on Inland Empire. Plus Lynch's film was original (to say the least).

But this dude reckons that Van Sant's remake was "fascinating" and "experiemental" because it was UNORIGINAL??? Give me a break. Go back to film school and your chai latte, buddy.

Batman 3?

The Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan disappeared on July 18 for an extended vacation while his wallet back in L.A. steadily filled up with millions of dollar bills. Now he has returned to civilization coated in solid gold and is most probably receiving fellatio from the entire Warner Bros. exec team (and all other studios too, I'm sure) but had enough time to answer some questions to the L.A. Times.

On the potential third Batman movie:

Well ... let me think how to put this. There are two things to be said. One is the emphasis on story. What’s the story? Is there a story that’s going to keep me emotionally invested for the couple of years that it will take to make another one? That’s the overriding question. On a more superficial level, I have to ask the question: How many good third movies in a franchise can people name? [Laughs.] At the same time, in taking on the second one, we had the challenge of trying to make a great second movie, and there haven't been too many of those either. It’s all about the story really. If the story is there, everything is possible. I hope that was a suitably slippery answer.

In other words, pay me enough and I'm there. And Warner Bros. - PAY HIM ENOUGH! We don't need an X3 on our hands here. I didn't mind that film, but the batman series is so inexorably linked to Nolan's intense vision, it would be a crime to chuck Brett Ratner in the mix. The X Men were a little lighter. We don't need another Batman & Robin. Really.

On some kind of Justice League film:

I don’t think our Batman, our Gotham, lends itself to that kind of cross-fertilization. It goes back to one of the first things we wrangled with when we first started putting the story together: Is this a world in which comic books already exist? Is this a world in which superheroes already exist? If you think of "Batman Begins" and you think of the philosophy of this character trying to reinvent himself as a symbol, we took the position -- we didn’t address it directly in the film, but we did take the position philosophically -- that superheroes simply don’t exist. If they did, if Bruce knew of Superman or even of comic books, then that’s a completely different decision that he’s making when he puts on a costume in an attempt to become a symbol. It’s a paradox and a conundrum, but what we did is go back to the very original concept and idea of the character. In his first appearances, he invents himself as a totally original creation.

Here here. But I've always felt that Batman and Superman never really mixed in well together. I love the bad ass bat dude, but let's be honest: Supes is a fucking alien who can fly, Bats is just a super ninja. Bruce Wayne would feel like the poor kid who can't afford the latest Superman Xbox and would go mad with envy and start spraying Supes with krypton bat poo.

Cool, or totally lame?

Frankly, I was just confused.

Boondocks sequel is a go go. Oh no no.

Did anyone actually watch The Boondock Saints? Personally, I've read more about the shit storm that went around it than the actual film itself. The writer/director Troy Duffy was allegedly some major asshole who pissed on anyone who tried to help him make the film. As an aspiring writer/director myself I know how much cock I will suck for any money that isn't coming out of my own pocket. Hell, if Harvey Weinstein told me to cast Daniel Radcliffe as a mob boss I'd probably comply.

My friend kept crapping on about how awesome it was, but he's Irish so I should have known better. I watched it: a lame-ass Tarantino hodge podge, it made another Pulp Fiction knockoff from the nineties 2 Days in the Valley seem positively inspired. All I can really remember is Willem Dafoe being gay. Like offensively gay. Man did he suck. And I love Willem Dafoe.

Anyways, apparently there's a sequel in the works, because, hey, what movie doesn't deserve a sequel these days? That's a good question. Better than any question about Boondock Saints.

Whatevs.

Tom Cruise & Saw. WTF???

The new Valkyrie trailer is out and about. This Tom Cruise-starrer has been long delayed but actually looks oodles of fun.

But seriously, what the flying fuck are they doing using the Saw music? Don't they know that [1] the fifth film of that shit came out last weekend, and [2] it sucked??? Sure it's a good tune, but it's so linked to the films it's like using Star Wars music to market the new Star Trek. The lid just don't fit the bottle.

While I'm at it, why the hell does everyone hate Tom Cruise so much? Don't they know that 95% of those rich Hollywood types are loonies? At least Tom's honest about it. I feel so enraged sometimes when people try and say he's a bad actor. It is utterly and completely untrue. The guy makes kickass movies.

Matter of fact I will write an entire post about him. I love you Tom, even if you did take Joey Potter away from me...

Gus Van Sant however, can make great films

Generally he does, actually. Pretentious maybe, but pretty great director.

Milk looks like a nice balance between indie and mainstream sensibilities, another Good Will Hunting (NOT Finding Forrester) if you will...

Milk Trailer

And to be honest I'm all for the gay-love movies. Sure the guy gets assasinated by Josh Brolin (this is not a spoiler), but I'm sure the movie loves the gays. And why shouldn't it?

Films - especially Hollywood - for too long have dismissed the gays. And don't try and tell me that Shortbus was some kind of gay-power film, because all it was was a lame-power movie with a dude shooting a load in his own mouth. WHY DID I HAVE TO SEE THAT???

Anywho, I'm sure Milk won't have that.

One last thing: I hope people don't call it that "gay politician movie" like they called Brokeback Mountain that "gay cowboy" movie. It's just dumb.

Worst remake ever

I can't believe I neglected to mention the worst remake ever.

Psycho!!!

When I mistakenly stumbled into this as a young teen, I knew even then how entirely shit the film was, despite not having seen or heard too much about the original. I don't understand this film. It's one of those unfathomable "what were they thinking?" films like Hudson Hawk, Swept Away, and Battlefield Earth.

What drew such fine actors as Vince Vaughn and William H. Macy to this?

Why make a shot-for-shot reproduction and ALL YOU CAN BOTHER TO ADD IS NORMAN BATES HAVING A TOSS??? Wow. So clever. So nineties.

Watch here some nerdy dude compare the original and the remake. Not only is he right, he has a funny voice!

Gus Van Sant has made some good film but this was horrendous. Actually, I think this belongs in the same sack as Catwoman and I Know Who Killed Me as films which need to be seen (perhaps multiple times) to be believed.

Roger Ebert: food connoisseur

A double-post-relevance hit in Ebert's review for Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make a Porno contains an extended food metaphor.

Does it work? You be the judge:

Since he likes to eat, I will describe him in food terms. He isn't a gourmet chef, supplying little nuggets of armadillo surrounded by microscopic carrots and curlicues of raspberry-avocado-mint juice. He's the kind of chef I've valued for a lifetime, the kind you see behind the ledge in a Formica diner, pulling down new orders from revolving clips. The kind of diner where the waitresses wear paper Legionnaire hats, pop their gum, and say, "What ya havin' today, hon?"In Kevin Smith's fantasy diner, the waitresses at this joint strip naked and have noisy lesbian sex, and then Jose the busboy joins in the fun. They all scream loudly: "Bleep, you bleeping bleep! I bleep your bleep! Bleep! Bleep! I'm bleeping bleeping!"

Please Roger, keep it to a minimum.

Saw Part CXII: Jigsaw's Redemption Apocalypse Takes Manhattan.

I'm sorry, but who the FUCK watches the Saw movies these days???

Saw V over the weekend made $30.5 million in the states. So that, divided by say 10 bucks a ticket, is A FUCKLOAD OF STUPID MORONIC RETARDED LOBOTOMIZED PEOPLE!!!

Don't you dumbasses know that only the first one was good? Didn't you learn your lesson with the first 3 sequels? Or did you think it was cool that the bimbo chick from Becker was the bad guy? No, people, that was lame.

The only consistently interesting horror franchise is the Nightmare on Elm Streets. I use the word "interesting" because not all of them were "good" per say, but they at least invoked new ideas and styles, and didn't regurgitate the same "DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAAAAAAAAAAAAME?" bullshit that the Saw movies are doing. Jigsaw has become the lamest villain ever. Not to mention he's DEAD people! So what the fuck do they do? Flashbacks. Lame. So f-ing lame.

Anything for a buck.

And these people (you people???) are falling for it hook line and sinker.

You and that FUCKING bike.

Listen, if your rotten bile-ingested heart so desires to fill itself with black burning tar, please do so via illegal torrent download so the filmmakers don't get your money. Watch the cam. Matter of fact, here's the link. It can't be any worse than the awful experience you'll have in the cinema realizing 15 minutes in that you wasted your money to find out that Jigsaw's step-brother's niece's piano teacher is cutting off bad men's balls.

Only the first one was good, and frankly the shitness of the sequels is making it less good by the year. Eventually it will suck just as much as the Part XII, if only by association.

This is the kind of person that goes to watch Saw V.

Kevin Smith and Judd Apatow: seperated at birth?

Spot the difference.

Having just finished the entirely interesting and amusing Kevin Smith journal, I found an article in the New York Times pretty interesting, regarding Smith's upcoming film Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Primarily Smith and the journalist discuss the relevance and undeniable comparisons that have been drawn between Mr. Smith and fellow filmmaker (but more financially successful) Judd Apatow.

Mr. Smith is an inspiring fellow, just 24 or so when he made Clerks, which went on to play at Sundance and started off his career which has resulted in many good films. Apatow on the other hand had been around the block a few times, writing for The Larry Sanders Show and a film called Celtic Pride (which I quite like!) before hitting the mainstream in a VERY big way with The 40 Year Old Virgin. Now every comedy that comes out, particularly those with a vulgar but sweet sense of humour, are branded Apatow-ick. But what does this mean for someone like Kevin Smith who has been steadily making films for 14 years?

The article states that "Mr. Smith’s predicament is just one part of a larger problem facing many filmmakers in the field of R-rated comedy: It is nearly impossible for them to make their pot-smoking, breast-baring (but heartfelt!) movies without in some way encroaching on the raunchy (yet tender!) turf that Mr. Apatow already owns." Smith goes on to say he bares no grudges or competitive feelings for Mr. Apatow, but rather “I thank God for Judd, because he shattered what I assumed was a $30 million ceiling.”

Smith's highest grossing films have never even come close to the US box-office take of something like Knocked Up ($148 million!!!), but what is the difference exactly? Watching the trailer for Zack and Miri, which coincidentally (???) stars Apatow protege Seth Rogen, it really seems difficult to distinguish who exactly made this film. Does it matter? Not particularly. I enjoy this brand of homour with heart and will watch it at the cinema. But why Apatow has taken the box office by storm whilst Smith has always remained basically a cult figure is beyond me. Perhaps in the past Mr. Smith's films tended to skew towards a male, predominantly young demographic, while Apatow made sure to include strong female characters and to raise the age-barrier a decade or so higher.

My mum watched Knocked Up and loved it, but could she withstand the vulgarity of Clerks II? Probably not. I doubt Kevin Smith gives a toss however if my mum would like Clerks II. Plus I'm sure she'd give Chasing Amy a go (and Zack and Miri for that matter). Two funny heart-felt filmmakers is better than one, that's what I say.

But the question I am curious about is whether Zack and Miri will emerge as a pure Kevin Smith film, or a hybrid of the Smith and Apatow stylings.

FINAL NOTE: The first poster was banned. So they made the second one. Hilarious.

Films: the food of the soul.

Have you ever read a review or blurb for some pretentious piece of twattle - most probably involving local theatre - that tried to compare its greatness to food? “A delightful truffle of a night”, or “the delectable talents of [insert some hack]”. Frankly it’s lame. And yes I did the very same thing a few posts ago saying Ridley Scott served up tasty dishes of food for us with Body of Lies, but I was being funny, I swear! But in the spirit of conforming to the masses, here’s my attempt at food/film metaphors served up to you dear reader in one scrumptious post.

How many adjectives for “nice to eat” are there? Let’s find out!

THE FEAST:

Watching a film is a lot like digesting a meal. Some movies like Heat and The Godfather are full-bodied, tasty and altogether satisfying. It’s like walking into an all-you-can eat buffet when you only paid half-price. There’s a dish of romance, another of intrigue, and a main course of meaty character development to fill our tummies with happiness. But remember, these films are not meant to be gorged quickly. We sit down, perhaps with our friends, and enjoy an intense conversation about politics, religion, even the Meaning Of Life.

This is a long meal. Casino goes for three hours, but I don’t ever feel bored. Any time my mind decides to wander, I simply head on back to the buffet table and grab another serving of Joe Pesci pasta, and maybe I’ll wash that down with a Sharon Stone cocktail. Delicious.

The best meal in the world.

Please keep in mind, however, that sometimes at a buffet we cannot resist the urge to eat too much. With so many options our mind simply goes insane with desires. Should we eat the chocolate mousse for desert, or just leave it alone so we don’t have to sit on the toilet for an hour post-meal? This is called the Heaven’s Gate meal, or the Dances With Wolves extended four-hour-cut dinner. Hell, I’d chuck James Cameron’s Titanic in there with it.

The solution to this dilemma? After having fed your faces with the main meal/s, go outside, have a smoke, walk around, take a break, and come back to the dessert to finish it off. This is otherwise known as an intermission. I mean, has anyone ever actually watched Once Upon a Time in America in one sitting?



THE JUNK FOOD:

Life is hectic. We don’t usually have all the time in the world to enjoy buffets every day and night. Most weeks we’re in a rush to get to our next appointment and just need a quick bite to eat to fill us up. So here we come to the junk food alternatives: the burgers, the fries, the shakes of filmmaking. Movies like Billy Madison, The Notebook, and Speed are junk food dollops of grease and fat that we’ll shit out after 10 minutes but will return to time and time again when we’re feeling a little naughty. They don’t satisfy us in the long-term, but in that moment we’re a happy little bee digging into our Beverly Hills Chihuahua Happy Meal.

Here are some cooks that are consistently delivering us such scrumptious new junk food dinners:
- Brett Ratner
- Ashton Kutcher
- Jackie Chan
- Sandra Bullock
- The Rock
- Drew Barrymore
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Please note the absence of Kate Hudson, to whom we shall return to later.

THE JUNK FOOD MEAL DISGUISED AS GOURMET:

Sometimes the junk food stores get tired of being shitted on all the time. I mean, it hurts their feelings when they hear pretentious twats walk past uttering insults like "oh, I'd never eat that", or "I need a real meal, not that plastic nonsense!"

Soooo to quench the junk food store's thirst for credibility, it begins to offer up a new variety of dishes with a few fancier ingredients and more flashier packaging, and puts a sign up saying "Freshly Made" or "$10.99". Adam Sandler loves doing this, a recent example being Reign Over Me. And I'll be honest, I enjoyed the temporary change of direction. Punch Drunk Love also was an interesting addition to his menu. Another good example is Will Ferrell in Stranger Than Fiction.

Some others actors, however, are absolutely shocking when it comes to serving up gourmet meals in a fast food joint. Please see exhibit A: Nicole Kidman. "Shock! Horror!" you say. Sure, she had a few mature, palatable critical hits like The Hours. But did ANYONE watch Birth? Or The Interpreter? What about The Human Stain? Nope, me neither. And don't try and tell me Cold Mountain was good, because you'd be lying to yourself buddy...

The fact is Nicole actually closed up her junk food store a while back and all she serves now are Caesar Salads and Chicken Wraps made with moldy fetta cheese and rotten tomatoes.




THE GOURMET DISH SPIKED WITH POISON:

This is laced with arcenic.

These films usually get released around Oscar time and promise exciting new flavours and ingredients. The best newspaper critics in town often recommend them and expectations are astronomically high, but once you come to sit down to eat these meals, something hits us: not only have we eaten this before, but it's tiny, unfulfilling and ridiculously overpriced.

We've been had.

These films piss me off. How dare they claim to be meaningful works of art when all I want to do after watching them is stab myself with a pen knife? Films like Babel, pretty much anything served up by Lars Von Trier, Shortbus, most dishes containing Madonna, and Irreversible look on the outside like fancy dishes but are in reality secretly spiked with poison and we’ll need a shot up the ass that night just to recover from the foul taste they left in our mouths.

I must return to Nicole again, because I cannot escape the feeling that she is incapable of not making these films (apart from her junk food shit like Bewitched). The Others was a completely overrated ripoff of The Sixth Sense. The Hours was mainstream feminist crap, and feminist films can rock don't get me wrong (I love Buffy, and hell, I didn't even mind In the Cut).

No, The Stepford Wives was not a good movie.

And I hate to say this because Richard Kelly obviously has talent, but his Donnie Darko follow-up Southland Tales reeked of pretentiousness. After it was over I felt like he'd stuffed me with hot air and pushed me outside the restaurant with my tummy still grumbling.



THE HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE:

This is essentially a gourmet dish that actually tastes nice, fulfills your appetite, AND is good for you. Examples are 21 Grams (from the same director whom later poisoned us with Babel), Brokeback Mountain, There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men. Not exactly feasts, a Healthy Alternative is instead an all-natural meal with the fat shaved off.

These films don't always have that sugary sweet addictive quality, but their long-term effects are extraordinary. We don't walk away with a bloated belly or indigestion, and scientists have proven that they actually improve your health. On the nutrition pyramid these are right at the top, so please ensure you digest the necessary amount for a healthy lifestyle.

...END OF MENU....

And that concludes our menu for this evening. Please, ladies and gentlemen, choose wisely in the future and think about your general well-being or you may be left with a bout of food poisoning following gorging on your unwisely selected dish of Saw V or The Matrix Revolutions. And remember: you're allowed a treat every now and again, so don't feel too bad that you actually enjoyed Little Nicky. I did too.

Oh wait, silly me, I forgot the bottom of the food chain.

THE BILE: